Reflections of a Mom's Life

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

a lot going on

haven't been blogging much as you can see. :) trying to read YOUR blogs and get caught up on comments. i haven't really been able to put my finger on why i haven't blogged. of course i don't really have time but that hasn't stopped me before. :) but i have started to think a lot about it the last couple of days.

i have a lot going on. around me and inside me.

Harrison was tracked out of school for 3 weeks and there was a lot going on with that. he and I both took trips and things were pretty busy. my sister Janet brought her kids to visit and that was long overdue! we had such a WONDERFUL time together. we were so blessed to have them here. i have pictures galore to post. and i will. Jackson's Birthday was Sunday. he's 4 NOW!!! pictures to post of that too.

we have a CRAZY week this week. lots of getting together with people, which i love, but trying to keep it all together. Harrison has a TON of homework and a project. i'm feeling guilty that we have so much going on because i don't want him to suffer for it. we have a neighborhood yard sale saturday so i'm working to get things in order for that. i'm a little cranky 'cause i haven't been able to run this week like i normally would do. i think i'm gonna have to sign up for another training program and another race. i'm feeling like a fish out of water.

the inside stuff on top of all that needs to be done is pushing me over the edge. some tough things i'm praying about and working on with Harrison. i know they won't be better overnight and that's hard to accept. some big family changes happening in the next few months that are keeping me on pins and needles and constantly before the Lord asking for his wisdom and peace. feeling lonely. i've struggled with this off and on since Harrison was born. i have loads of people around me, loving me, supporting me, praying for me and still i feel alone. how is that? i don't know. i wish i could understand it. i just know that the Lord is drawing me to Him right now and i'm trying to stay at His feet. i spent precious time with the ladies of my Lambs group last night. our leader, Karen, has been so precious to us. last night she told us all how we had led the group and she said that gentleness came to mind when she thought of me and what a wonderful mother she knew i must be to my children because of my gentle spirit. WOW. i totally cried. i don't feel gentle. i don't feel like a good mother 50% of the time. i don't think my children probably see me as gentle. i try. i long to be gentle with them and there was a time i was better at being gentle. i felt like the Lord used her last night to speak to me. i know i'm so hard on myself and struggling a bit with that right now and He blessed me last night with those sweet ladies. i've learned so much from them and i'm sure they don't even know the impact they've had on my life while i've been able to just "watch" them and their walks with the Lord. i know the Lord is working on me right now. i know what areas He's tyring to change. i want to change. i'm feeling very vulnerable right now.

i think this is why i've been hesitant to blog. a lot going on in so many ways. but, the whole reason i started this blog is to journal my everyday stuff. my fun pictures, my kid's activities, the fun stuff we do as a family...AND the everyday, hard, mundane, normal life stuff too. i want to be real and honest about what life is like for me at each stage and how God is working in my life...even when it's hard to articulate. gonna have to get back to it. i know it will be good for me and i want all of this in the "book" when i finally get working on those blog books that i have been planning to make for 2 years.

Jackson leaves for FL on Sunday for his birthday trip with Mimi and Papa. gonna start on that blog book...i've got two to complete and it's gonna take a while. :)


Courtney said...

loved your update...thanks for sharing your heart for for being honest! that's not easy! i've missed you around here :-) just stay at His feet...He'll help you work it out!

Sherri said...

So I'm not the only one who has thoughts like this? You spoke my heart with this so many ways. Hugs to you, my friend.

Linda Williams said...

We love you, Beth and we will be praying for you. Being a Wife and Mother is the hardest job in the world! Any wife and Mother can tell you, if they tell the truth, that they have felt all the things you are feeling now. All the work that goes into mothering these little angels do not even go noticed until they are full grown!

You know that I pray daily for you and I will continue to.

Mom W.

Katy said...

you're exactly where you need to be - seeking His guidance. Remember that's why he guides us through the way He does - so that we have to see him for the answers. It's hard I know. And exhausting - I know that too. But one thing at a time. And you're focusing on what's important right now - which is exactly what you should be doing!! Love you my friend!

Vonda said...

Oh sweet Beth, this journey of Motherhood is so rewarding but so hard too and I am not even where you are yet. I will be praying for you. Thank you for sharing your heart and being so always encourage me to do so too. Love ya!